Episode 7: A friend in need sometimes needs a voice for his story

Hi guys,
So I started this blog to chronicle my trials and tribulations with "matrimonial" pursuits, cos you know it's been such a laugh riot. What I didn't realize was that I'm not alone in this cruel comedy sketch that I assumed was just my life. This blog has made a few of my readers come forward with tales of their own. So now, I've decided to tell you their stories as well (with their permission, of course)
And here we go..

Disclaimer: Names, dates and names of cities have been intentionally misrepresented to protect identities.

My friend - Mr. Sam, had a Mam, her name was Pam.
Now Mr. Sam and Miss Pam fell in love, and even though they lived in sister cities, their love blossomed. 
Mr. Sam felt he had found "The One" - she was everything his mother wanted for him. Young, slim, beautiful, same caste, same community, everything! So Sam decided to broach the topic of matrimonial celebrations at home and informed his folks that his profiles on letsgetmarried.com and willyoubemypartnerohpartner.com could be deleted as he was more resourceful than them! Aww yeah!
His parents were glad because they had heard from their friends what a bitch spouse hunting for a grown child could be. They agreed to meet Pam's family to see how to take things forward.
In the mean while, Pam who had also informed her parents about what was unfolding at Sam's place - were glad that Pam had managed to snag herself a responsible and employed young man. They were only too happy to meet their prospective Samdhi-Samdhans.

When such a call was made, Pam's joy knew no bounds and what transpired next can only be summed up in - "Wham bam, thank you Sam!", if you know what I mean *wink wink*!
Sam and Pam were on Cloud 9 as their relationship of 4 months had finally moved to the next level!
Yes, that's right! It took Sam & Pam only 4 months after having met & dated to realize they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together! Go figure!

Well anywhoo, so Sam's mother went over to Pam's place (as decided prior to their pre-nuptial canoodling) and Sam's mother was not impressed. She felt the parents of the to-be bride should have gone all out to impress her and they fell grossly short. After all she was the ladke ki Ma and all that. 
Needless to say, Sam was now in a fix as Momma's approval in matters such as this was the law of his family land. He had no choice but to oblige and seek a lady-love according to his Mother's wishes. He would have to let his current lady love go.

He spilled all to Pam who unraveled and went psycho-killer crazy. No, I am not over exaggerating. Sugar-coating the truth more like.
She did a whole variety of stupid, crazy and scary things just to emotionally black mail Sam into choosing Pam over his Mother.
She threatened suicide.
She hinted at suicide and went AWOL switching of her phone while she was actually out shopping and had kept her sister in confidence about it.
She posted about the Chennai High Court ruling deeming pre-marital sex being equivalent to marriage on Facebook.
She had two pregnancy scares - yes TWO scares with just one wham-bamm-thanks-man session!
She threatened legal action.
And last but not the least - explained her sudden madness to her family blaming Sam's magical night with her.

I know right! Which unmarried girl in their right mind would tell her Father that she has slept with her boyfriend?

Anyway, this wasn't the worst thing to have happened to Sam. The icing on the meringue pie that was Sam's life at that point - his job was in trouble. There was a change in the top management of his company which had put everyone in the spotlight and heads were rolling.

Sam's dad on having learnt the extent of Pam's mental acuity, took the harsh decision of legally disowning Sam from the family.

On hearing all of this, her family did go cuckoo. But only for a little while.
Once the red rage had lifted, they admitted that they did not approve of Sam especially since the family had disowned him and could not imagine being polite to him for the rest of their lives simply for their daughter's sake.
They did try to convince her to let the matter AND Sam go - cos you know parents know best, no matter how what!

But do you really think Pam is reasonable of thought? Like, really?

Even after nearly 4 months, there is no change in status quo.
At the time of this story going public, the latest status is that both families are in counselling to help Pam cope with reality.

PS. Events in this post are all true, even though I wish they weren't.
PPS. The best wishes of the author are with Sam in these trying times.

Episode 6: And then I got my heart stomped on...

Heads up - this episode is devoid of humour and exaggeration. Please read on to know why.

It's been extremely difficult to admit to myself, much less put it down in words. Before, you can jump to any conclusion, my absence of 4 months from this blog can be explained by what I'm about to tell you next.

So basically, I thought that my dad's search had finally come to an end. He managed to come across a somewhat normal, regular and sensible guy. Or so we all believed.

We pretty much "clicked" from the word Go. And that Go did come after rounds of scrutinising each other's backgrounds, kundlis, the whole shebang! In fact his mother actually gave us his contact details only after checking with a few known aunties and friends about my "character"! Her precious son was to not waste his time on just any proposal apparently.

When I heard about her efforts to approve of me, I dug out his history too. Obviously! It was only after I stalked his online presence thoroughly, did I come across this quote - "When it comes to digging out information on men, women are better than the FBI." Well, word!

So anyway, I found about 14 common friends. His sister too was in that circle. After all that snooping, I was pretty satisfied with the "proposal".

So what if he lived in the states? So what if he had an American girlfriend? So what if he drank socially? So what if his mother is overly attached to him?

I decided to overlook all this and give it a go. I mean, if by 30 you don't have a past, I cannot see a future either.
So we got talking, exchanged numbers, chatted, called and everything. He seemed grounded, polite, ambitious, fun loving, adventurous, humorous, disciplined, basically quite a rare mix of the ideal. Obviously I was floored. Any girl would be. But despite the fact we hadn't met (him being in the US, and me in Bombay), I was slowly getting hooked to the guy.
Over a span of two months, we'd gotten to know each other pretty well. We had a lot in common and I could see a possible future. I was happy.

But then out of the blue, his mom drops a bomb. She emails my dad (that's right, "personal" communication ka jawab nahi), that he has chosen a girl in the states itself and "good luck" for my search.
This email literally came after I had hung up after an hour long conversation with him telling me that he would come home in December and we could look at getting engaged then and a possible June wedding.

Little did I know, this was a line he was using all over the place.

I tried to get an explanation from him for this email, but he kept excusing himself cos of work and that he'd call back.
It's been over a month with not so much as a peep from him.

For those of you who know, my birthday was about 2 weeks back. Now you know why it wasn't a happy one.

No no, I didn't shed a single tear over this douche bag, but I'm pretty sour on the whole arranged fix up thing now. Not that I wasn't already, but now I'm just bitter.

In an attempt to get over this, I'm posting it here to share my story with everyone. I want him to read this and realise that toying with someone's emotions like this isn't right
Just isn't.

Episode 5: Domestically or Anatomically - You prefer?

Today's topic, boys and girls is about *drum roll please* The 3 C's of arranged marriage - Chai, Chapati & Children-bearing-hips!

In some cases, it is also known as the 4 C's - the 4th C being Chicken of course. But then again, particular to meat lovers.

Granted Chai, Chapati AND Chicken can all be clubbed as an altogether different C - Cooking, but that C is too vague a term. Boiling water to make instant noodles is also considered to be cooking by most individuals of the female variety. So is maintaining a folder of a wide range of take away menus of the neighborhood.

But is that what Mothers of Sons are looking for? No no no no no!
The qualities which they want, nay expect are - Nubile & Convent educated, Aishwarya look-alike, Martha Stewart-ish house keeper for their oh-so-precious sons!

Yes yes, I shall get to the hilarious C - Child-bearing-hips in just a little while.

So talking to the boys and even meeting them is fine - after all you are strangers getting to know one another. Judging each other if there is potential for lifelong companionship. God! I sound like my father! ~shudders~ (been trying so hard to incorporate the positives of my mum in my personality, I didn't realize my dad's snooze worthy traits creeping in! Dafuq!)

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes - meeting prospects for judging potential. So, meeting and talking to the boys apart, meeting the families, especially the mothers, is another story altogether. My "noteworthy" skills of making the perfect cup of tea or round fluffy chapatis and even child bearing abilities are put to test. Not literally of course, but the scrutiny with which the width of my hips are observed, really does redden my ears. And of course, that is then misconstrued as my supposed liking for the boy in question by the parental units present. Whoop de doo!

Some MoS's do adopt a "sly" approach. I've had one such Wannabe-Grand mother comment "I like the width of your hips - ideal for Child-bearing!" *Facepalm* Please note here that the world record for the quickest blush has a new name.

Some other mothers put it very subtly and ask how many children would I like to have or if I am domestically inclined or professionally oriented.

Sorry to have misled you Aunty, I put myself through 6 years of professional education just to add a couple of line items on my matrimonial profile. What I really want to do is to spend the rest of my days in kitchens and bathrooms instead of a cubicles & conference rooms tending to you and your sons whims and fancies. After all, that is the quintessential dream of the every modern Indian woman, no?

I should also add, the mothers view is not always echoed in their sons opinion. They all want working wives. Well obviously - two incomes are better than one! This is so in the case of the boys in India. Not the ones abroad. As soon as they touch foreign shores, they become chauvinist pigs of the highest order - whether they've been there for 6 years or 4 months or 3 days. A God complex of sorts permeates their attitude and they believe they are better than everyone they've left back home. These "men" want glorified maids as wives. Maids with multiple degrees.

People people people, please do understand, a B. Tech. does not mean "Bimbo when it comes to Technology" and neither does MBA mean "Marriage Bureau Approved"!

Episode 4: Deliriousness

No no! There is no need to scroll down and look for Episode 3.
That bit is basically a trip to the hospital for a broken bum.
"She's not married and she broke her bum? Aiyyayo! Rama Rama! How will she get married now?" is what you'll just said to yourselves! Didn't you? Don't lie!

Okay, fine! I'll explain what happened!

So I've been asking every Tom, Dick & Harry I know to read this blog and give me their honest opinion (just to clarify, Dick is NOT my imaginary friend).
Anywhoo, Harry loved it. She wanted dates, names, emails and numbers for herself but that's for her blog too. :D
Tom compared my writing to the style of a certain B school grad who is making a good living for himself (not to be confused with the other B school grad who doubles as a film script writer). Alternate career opportunity for me! YAY!
Dick loved the blog so much he proposed to me!

That's right, boys and girls! A proposal! The blog's intention had failed!! Miserably!
Well anyway, I was disappointed for about 5 and a half moments till my senses kicked back in and my attention shifted to the date. It was the 1st of April!
I laughed and laughed to the point of tears and I was making hyena-like sounds which I'm pretty sure echoed across to Dick who is 4 continents away.
No bad feelings Dick! Guess who's opinion I shall heed when it comes to finally getting married? :)
So, amidst the laughter, tears and animal sounds, I tripped over the rug and landed on my behind. Hence the broken bum!

Sigh!

So yes, back to the social disease - "Matrimony".
The mania at home is reaching epic levels, I tell you! The readers of this blog are "kindly advised to make hurried travel arrangements for my wedding to be held later this year."
That is how my father plans to have me married - this year. Not to a nice boy with a good background and career prospects. But This Year.

"Why this year? What's the rush?", you ask? Arey fool! My horoscope says I will get married this year. It has been foretold by the stars and written in stone so not getting married this year means the end of life as we know it.
Just an FYI, I'm taking bets for the probability that the Mayans wrote my horoscope. To place your bets, please send an  SMS "THIS GIRL'S-<BET AMOUNT>-APOCALYSPE" to 1800-2012-IN-2013-I-TOLD-YOU-SO
The winner gets a paid gig with an all-you-can-drink-bar at my wedding as a photographer! :D
To be eligible you must own a DSLR camera of course!
So rush in your entries NOW!

I suppose I can't blame the father though. The burden of a single 26 year old child is getting rid of his cranial follicular coverage. Not genetics or the fact that he's 55. No no no no no! Just an overgrown dependent who's overstaying her welcome!

Sidebar: All of Dad's friends are in a similar situations as too. But instead of being each others shoulder and support, they are busy trying to play golf and Amatuer-Cupids-cum-Wedding Planners in between holes.
After every game, before hearing about his improving Handicap, I am subjected to viewing about 6-7 profiles on www.jeebus-haathi.com! #facefacepalmpalm

Ridiculous no? WRONG!

My wedding date, reception venue, menu and guest list had been planned at one such game without the guests of honor, namely me and some guy, without even knowing each other's names!
I kid you not!

My shocked expression cannot even be described without losing consciousness.

It seems like my old man has given up working altogether now and just discusses with random people on the street if they know someone for his daughter.
Visits back home for him are basically PR activities for me. My aunt's neighbour was one such participant!

Seeing this kind of manic behaviour, I urge you all - my dearest readers, to not put your folks through this exercise. Growing old comes with its own baggage as it is. The added task of spouse hunting is not for the old and faint of heart. So go forth and date!
Don't give those damn sites a chance to call or email you and hound you crazy at work!

Just Say No to Arranged!

More on the aunt's neighour's son and the like in the next post..
Stay tuned!

Episode 2: The Manifestation

I never thought I’d ever utter these words, but my Dad has gone “boy-crazy”. Literally. Absolutely kookoo!

From devouring the Sunday newspaper, to dialing every number in the matrimonial section, to struggling with the interwebz and figuring out how to “Express Interest” and exchanging emails with “Prospects” and their families, it has been quite amusing watching him, I’ll admit! :P

Experiencing the interaction with a number of “Prospects” and their families myself, I can't help but draw a parallel with B2B Sales. Remember SPIN selling & SPANCO?

Well, to begin with, the two B’s in this transaction are clearly the 2 families in "Negotiation". The product are the innocent lambs to be sacrificed – the bride & the groom!

SPIN is very effectively tackled by the various media – online matrimonial sites, newspapers, pesky relatives, etc. Damn them!
There is a clear cut market for them - Situation exists; there is a gap of sorts in the demand and supply, hence the market exists - Problem exists; the purpose is the noblest of all - finding a "Soul mate" - Implication is defined; to close the gap between the demand and supply - the Need must be fulfilled!
Damn them again!

Once these “Agents of Change” successfully plant the notion in the mind of the parent of the unsuspecting candidate, it’s Do or Die! Hurrah!

Getting back to B2B Sales.
Like any sales process, the Suspecting and Prospecting is the dirty leg work done by the Donkeys – in this case, web sites, relatives, agencies, etc. etc.! (Rolls eyes for the 56^th millionth time. Very familiar with the insides of my head by now! ~brushes off imaginary speck of lint from shoulder with head held high~)

The Approaching and Negotiating is left to the parents and that is what contributes to most of the ridiculousness and hilarity! The awkwardness and the following forced interest can put Oscar winners to shame I tell you!

Sadly, Closure and Order closing doesn't happen for all. Like any other sales process, the success rate is really really abysmal. The lowest possible rate across all industry processes!

For matrimonial purposes, the success rate for these processes are as low as 1 in 348!

True story bro, true story!

More coming soon..!

Episode 1: The Symptoms

So let's start with the cause for this infliction: a stark lack of love life!
(Bah, humbug!)

"It all began one fine summer day, when my college sweetheart dumped me for that perky hot junior!"

That would make a great story, but sadly my life is not a "great story". It is a plain old regular, run-off-the-mill, so-boring-your-eyes-would-melt-into-nothingness kind of a lame-ass story. Well, it's true!
There there, you guys! Don't cry! I know you all are saying to yourselves "NOOOOOOO ya! We know you! You are so much fun! Your life is definitely not lame-ass!"

Aww! Thanks you guys!! Much love. But, sorry to disappoint you. You'll are kidding yourself and you don't even know it! Just like how Sacha Baron Cohen is so irresistible! Mmm hmm!! (You know it!)

But, I digress. Back to the topic.

So, I may be boring and all, but I do alright. I have non-virtual friends, a job I love, am close to family. and am genuinely a happy person!
But then again, these are not marriageable criterion, are they now?

From my learning and painstaking observations of the past one year, I can proudly say I know what it takes to be considered marriageable.
We'll get to that in just a moment.

So yeah, the symptoms.
You know how at a point in time, older relatives start goading you at family gatherings about how much fun they are going to have at your sacrifice, oops, I mean wedding. You've heard about it, and you know it's coming, but when it does, you're all like "But but but..I'm just a kid! Don't do this to me! What have I done to you?!?!" It. Is. Frightening.

Did I mention how much worse it is, when you are the eldest amongst all the cousins?! Oh Lord!

I know whose weddings deserve my sadistic best!

So yeah, the symptoms.
One fine day, as my Dad and I were catching up over a beer (Yes, it is very normal for me to sip/drink/gulp/chug alcoholic beverages with my father), I noticed him extremely uncomfortable.
As the alcohol kicked in, he gathered the courage to ask me to get my boyfriend home so that he could meet him. That was the last beer I drank with my Dad! That day.

That fateful beer changed the last one year for me.

26 has not been a good year for me - from writing my own news paper advert to making profiles for online matrimonial sites to what the next few posts shall explain in detail.
My life cannot sink any lower!

More to come..

Introduction

Boys and girls, let’s talk about this social condition, nay infliction, which we Indians must bear generation upon generation – Arranged Marriage! Such a strange sounding conundrum-y term it is.

Well anyway, we can debate over the English language some other time. The whole purpose of this blog is to enlighten those not in the know about the symptoms, manifestations, and side effects of this so called infliction.

For me, the symptoms starting showing in my family members about two years back, and the infliction manifested in everyone soon after the completion of my masters. The side effects however are being experienced singularly by me! Also, I checked, there exists no medication to make it any less painful. Tsk tsk!

Just an FYI, I’ve being experiencing serious discomfort for about a year now with no sign of improvement or progress. Doctors predict it to be life threatening. In certain difficult cases, patients have lost their minds as well! 

So let’s get started with the hilarity shall we?

PS: In case you are wondering where the "Leftover" came from, read this.